


Sidelines

by Younweb



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Olympics, Smut, Unistudent!alec, What Else Do I Tag?, gymnast!magnus, there will be drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-21 21:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11952957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Younweb/pseuds/Younweb
Summary: Alec Lightwood always knew what he wanted his life to be, or at least what every one else wanted his life to be. Enter a glittery gymnast and his whole life is turned upside down.





	1. Prologue

I always knew that my life was pretty much pointless, not in the way that I don’t feel like living more in the way that no one would really miss me if I was gone. I had my life figured out, graduate from uni, get a job, maybe find a wife and live the rest of my life in peace. See I don’t mind staying on the sidelines, I don’t mind not being noticed. In fact I quite like being invisible, being the observer rather than the one being observed. Being anonymous, a nobody, boring, waste of space, weird. All the names I’ve been called growing up. They don’t bother me at all. 

I always thought that I knew how my life was going to be. That I could never truly have the life that I want. But that was until I met him.


	2. sidelined

I wake up at 6.30 when my alarm goes off. The sound pierces through my ears and it feels like my head is going to explode. Without spending too much time I shut off the alarm and head for the shower. I was never a morning person but being the always perfect dutiful son sleep ins where rare to say the least. When I exited the shower the flat was quiet, none of my roommates have woken up yet. Knowing they all probably spent the whole weekend drinking their asses off and doing god knows what I load up the coffee machine. I kind of like sunday mornings, I get to eat my breakfast in silence, I don’t have to go to school and best of all I get to see Magnus Bane.

You see when scholarships isn’t enough to cover your expenses you kind of need to get a job. And my job is at the very same gym that trains the national gymnastics team. And they may have the most attractive guy that’s been known to mankind on said gymnastics team. Magnus Bane is the kind of beauty that should be illegal, tanned skin, dark golden eyes, perfectly shaped muscles, pitch black hair and just the right amount of stubble on his perfect jawline. The way he moves, so effortless and graceful almost catlike. Needless to say I kind of like my job even if all I do is cleaning all day.

When I’ve finished my breakfast I head to work, early mornings in New York really are wonderful. Just peaceful and quiet until the impending storm of people that will soon fill up the streets. When I step into the gym the first person I see is Raphael, he doesn’t speak much, most of the times he just grunts and walks away. Today I get a small nod though, so I guess he doesn’t completely hate me. Raphael owns the gym and makes sure everything runs smoothly, he may not be a people person but he sure knows how to make business. The gym is modern and clean with a very classy vibe to it. I rush down to the office to change clothes when I suddenly bump into someone.

“Watch where you’re going freak!” She says while rushing past me. I look up and see her long brown hair swinging from side to side as she’s practically running away. Something I don’t really like about this job is Camille Belcourt. Camille is one of the most talented gymnasts on the women’s team, she’s also one of the most despicable people I’ve ever met. Always so full of herself that she can’t seem to be nice to anyone. But as long as she keeps winning medals she’s not going anywhere. After I’ve changed I start working, I do the same routine everyday, I start with the lockers and then slowly move into the gym. When I enter the gym I spot Magnus immediately, he’s wearing a tight fitting tank top and shorts that are so tight it looks like they could tear any second. His makeup is on point, with dark brown eyeliner and just a touch of glitter. His hair is still holding up even though he’s been working out for probably an hour already. And my breath is caught in my throat when I see the outline of a tattoo on his hip. I do realize that I’m staring but he doesn’t even seem to notice. Not that anyone has ever noticed me anyway. I’ve always been the nerd, the outcast, the boring one. The one no one notices. And on days like these that little notion really comes in handy. Being able to just watch and take all the beauty that’s Magnus in without being noticed? Definitely a win. I watch as Camille comes up to him and throws her arms around his neck and kisses him on the cheek. He smiles at her, and I feel just a small twist in my stomach. What I wouldn’t do to be able to kiss him. I look away and continue my work. After a couple of hours I’m finished and are just headed home when I bump into someone the second time.

“Sorry..”

  
“You should really watch where you’re going”

  
I look up and see that I’m face to face with none other than Magnus, standing right infront of me with an unimpressed look on his face. I feel my cheeks heating up.  
“Sorry I was just leaving I didn’t see you”

  
“Do you always not pay attention to where you’re going? Or are you just to dumb to not run into people?” He says, still giving me an unimpressed glare.

  
“Sorry what?” I say, confused.

  
“Dumb then, great. Stay out of my way, you. What was your name again?” He looks at me with a disgusted face, almost as if I’m the ugliest thing he’s ever seen. Probably true.

  
“ I didn’t tell you” I spit back. Now slightly agitated.

  
“ So tell me”

  
“I’m Alec”

  
“Okay Alexander, stay out of my way or next time you bump into me will be the last time you bump into me, are we clear?”

I nod and he walks away. It felt weird hearing him use my full name, especially when I haven’t even said it myself. No one actually calls me Alexander, I’ve gone by Alec for the most part of my life. But hearing it from his lips it kind of feels okay, almost. Even though he will probably never speak to me again. When I get home I throw myself down on the couch next to Maia. She looks pale and like she’s about to throw up any second.

  
“Rough day?” I ask.

  
“Rough weekend, I’m never drinking Tequila again” She says.

  
“Sounds good”

  
“Hey you should totally come with us sometime! There’s a super pretty girl that’s been hanging out with us lately maybe you can finally get some!” She says with a wink.

  
“Ehm no I’m not really into parties” I say.

(And I’m also not really into women) I get up and leave towards my room. “One of these days Lightwood!” She screams as I leave the living room.

I have great roommates I really do, it’s just not that great not being fully open about myself. It’s not that I think they would mind it’s more that it feels to personal. I haven’t even told my best friend and adoptive brother Jace about it which may have to do with the fact that I’ve had a huge crush on him for about 5 years. Until I saw Magnus for the first time really, but no one stands a chance against him. But still, opening up isn’t something I do. I walk into my room and lay down on the bed, I know I should probably catch up with some reading but I just can’t find the motivation. Today Magnus Bane has talked to me for the first time, and looked at me like I was some kind of trash. Maybe not how I’ve pictured us meeting for the first time in my head. I stare up at the ceiling for a while before closing my eyes and falling asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The week starts and I find myself overloaded with schoolwork, who knew being a biology student would be this hard. Not only did I have three different essays this week I also had a group project that needed to get done. That’s how I found myself in Izzy’s apartment with books all over the floor. Simon also went to uni for science studies and even though he got on my nerves most days he was still a smart guy so working with him wasn’t that bad. And the fact the he had been living with my sister for almost a year now only worked in my advantage because then I got to see Izzy more often.

  
“Are you seriously not done with analyzing those lab results yet? We kind of need to start putting this all together if we’re gonna get this done in time” Simon said while reading through my notes.

  
“Almost there” I said.  
“What’s up with you lately? you usually never slack this much, or at all really” He gives me a puzzled glance.

Kind of like he doesn’t know if he overstepped a boundary or something. Which fair enough I can understand. When Simon first entered my life he practically drove me insane with his constant rambling about comic books and music. I didn’t want to stay in the same room as him for more than a couple of minutes at the time, and the way he always said the wrong thing without thinking really got under my skin. It was like I was stuck in a place of pure frustration and also a tad bit of jealousy since he got to spend a lot more time with my siblings than I did. Izzy and Simon met through Clary, Clary and Jace had been going out for only a couple of months before Simon was introduced to all of us. Having Jace ripped away from me by a fiery redhead in the blink of an eye was hard enough, especially considering I still had a huge crush on him at the time. Then having Izzy ripped away from me only a couple of months later by this absolute nerd was even worse. Because then they would all go and do things together, double dates, parties and traveling leaving me alone for the most part. And on the rare occasions I was with them they were so wrapped up in eachother it was like I no longer existed. Needless to say I felt lonely but it has gotten better. I can at least hang out with them now occasionally.

  
“Nothing I’m just tired” I answer.

It’s not like I’m going to tell him about the very awkward encounter I had with Magnus the other day. And thinking of it what even was that? I mean, I’ve been practically drooling over the guy for the last year or so. And when he finally acknowledge me it was not in a good way. Not that I expected it to be different, the guy is probably straight and even if he wasn’t it’s not like I ever thought a guy like him would ever be interested in a guy like me. But he always seemed so sweet, always smiling towards other people, always so humble in interviews. Was he really not that guy he gave himself out to be or was it just me? Maybe just the sight of me was enough to act like a complete asshole. I mean I know I’m not a very attractive person really, but it still kind of hurt. I try not to dwell on it too much though, because that would surely drive me insane.

  
“Alec?” I snap out of my bubble and look up. Simon is looking at me with a weird expression on his face.

  
“What?” I ask.  
“I just asked you if you’re coming out with us this weekend”

  
“Oh, no I don’t think so, not really my thing” I say, avoiding his gaze.

  
“ You sure you’re okay? You’re not even paying attention, I think you’ve been on the same page for almost 20 minutes now” I look down and see that he’s right, I haven’t been paying attention to anything today. Which means if don’t get my shit together I’ll most likely be screwed.

  
“Yeah I just got alot on my mind, I’m fine” I say and thankfully he drops the subject even though I’m sure he’s not buying it. We keep working in silence apart from the occasional input and soon enough it looks like our project is actually going somewhere. After an hour or so I hear the door slam shut and Izzy runs into the living room and throws herself down next to Simon.

  
“My feet are killing me, running around Brooklyn with high heels was not a good idea!”

  
“Maybe wear more appropriate shoes then Iz” Simon says while kissing her on the cheek.

  
“And look like one of the old ladies that works at Walmart? No thanks” She says rolling her eyes at him. I just shake my head with a smile on my face.

  
“What’s been going on in your life lately brother? It seems like we haven’t seen each other in ages!” She says.

  
“It’s only been two weeks Iz” I point out, and not much has been going on really. And it’s not like I’m the one that’s been too busy to keep in touch.

  
“Still, I miss hanging out with you”

  
“Yeah me too”

I look over to see Izzy leaning her head on Simon’s shoulder and I feel a small twist in my stomach. Somedays I kind of wish that I could have that. Someone to come home to, someone that cares about me, kisses me and makes me feel wanted. But I’ve been aware for a while now that it’ll most likely never happen. Firstly because finding someone requires actual human interaction something I’m not very good at. And secondly because both my parents would lose their minds if the found out I was gay. The idea of putting myself out there terrifies me. It’s not that I’m a virgin or anything, I’ve had a couple of drunken hook-ups. But it’s always been hard since being social isn’t something that comes natural to me. Most of the time I come off as rude or grumpy, which isn’t really my intention but it’s enough to drive people away. If I wait too long to find someone though my parents will most likely go through all their contacts to find me a wife. Which might not be a bad idea, I mean I wouldn’t really be able to fall in love with a woman. But maybe just having someone to come home to and cook for will be enough. Maybe that’s all I’m gonna get. True love doesn’t happen for everyone and why would it ever happen to me?

  
“Should I make dinner?” Izzy asks, promptly turning my attention away from my own thoughts.

  
“NO!” Both Simon and I scream in unison.

  
“Babe no, I’ll do the cooking talk to your brother instead” Simon says and gets up to walk to the kitchen.

  
“So… anything that has happened since we last met brother?” Izzy says with a smile on her face.

  
“No, not really been busy with school and work mostly” I say.

  
“You sure? You seem a bit off today”

  
“Yes I’m sure! What’s with everyone asking how I am lately?” I snap, not in the mood for an interrogation.

  
“Geez Alec it was just a question, calm down”

  
“Sorry I didn’t mean to, I’m just tired.”

  
She looks at me with the famous Izzy glare, I know she knows that I’m lying, she can see right through me, she always can. She figured out that I was gay probably before I knew it myself. She has always been my biggest supporter in life, helped me through everything. Then of course there’s my younger brother Max but sometimes the age gap makes it difficult to talk about certain things. But the bond Izzy and I share really is something else. Jace is who I would consider my closest friend but I can’t talk to him about everything, not really. And he never pushes me to talk when I don’t want to he’s always just there, his presence is usually soothing enough.

  
“Okay” Izzy sighs. “But you know I’m always here for you if you ever need to talk”

  
“I know Iz, thanks”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After eating with Izzy and Simon and just talking about random things I head home, the air is cold and I feel like I should have picked a warmer jacket. I just keep thinking about how my life turned out like this. Why I’ve always settled for what I’ve got instead of trying to achieve great things. I mean my sister is a journalist working her first internship at a big fashion magazine. Simon may study science but he’s also simultaneously trying to break into the music industry. Clary is working her ass off to become an artist and Jace has his mind set on starting his own business. And here I am doing everything I can to be as normal as possible. I remember when I was a kid and thought that maybe someday I could’ve been a great archer. But according to my dad archery wasn’t a real sport and certainly not something I should waste my time with so there’s that. I miss it though, sometimes enough to make me sneak away to a shooting hall where I can do target practise for hours. I suck in a deep breath of fresh air and decide that maybe I should just stop thinking about what could be and instead focusing on my life right now. I don’t need anyone in my life to make me happy I’m fine on my own, and I don’t need to find my true dream I can go into medschool anytime I want if I keep my grades up. Little did I know that my life was about to take a very drastic turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not Beta'd or anything, all mistakes are mine, I don't own the characters, etc. :)


	4. 4

Wednesday is probably the worst day of the week, I've got double labs, tutoring, a 4 hour lecture and also work once I’m finished. How I manage without passing out still remains a mystery. I go throughout the whole day feeling stressed out with a headache that feels like my head is about to explode. I honestly thought about calling in sick today but knowing that I need the money I decide that I should at least try to got to work. Even if I feel like shit I might me able to see Magnus at least, and even though he doesn’t seem to like me very much I still very much enjoy watching him. Thinking about him I’ve noticed him looking at me from time to time since our first encounter. Nothing more than a second at a time but still, I’ve spent probably a year constantly watching him whenever I got the chance and never has he noticed me until now. Which in a way I can understand but I’ve been working at his gym for over a year now, most of the other gymnasts has greeted me at some point, apart from Camille that usually never spares me a second glance and if she does it’s only to throw insults at me. But she’s a bitch to everyone, if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s great at what she does she probably wouldn’t be around anymore.

When I step inside the gym today the first thing I see is Magnus, he’s talking to someone I don’t recognize. Watching from afar he looks very irritated, his body language is stiff and his face looks stern. Whomever this person is he doesn’t seem to like them very much. I slowly make my way towards the lockers trying not to stare at him. While I come closer I can hear parts of the conversation being held.

  
“Seriously though Magnus, if you can’t keep your mouth shut about this we could lose sponsors and that would not be great for your career. You’ve sacrificed so much for this and the olympics is coming up next year, we do not need this! You should focus on getting ready!” The person says, it sounds like a male voice.

  
“That doesn’t mean that not speaking up is the right thing to do! Do I really have to give up all my integrity for this?!” Magnus says, clearly frustrated.

  
“Sadly yes Magnus, I would advise you do just drop it and move on”

  
“Move on?! My friends are affected by this! People I care about have gotten hurt and I’m just gonna pretend it didn’t happen?!”

  
“Well I can’t control your actions but please Magnus don’t do anything stupid, we need to focus on what’s important and that’s the upcoming competition season.” The man says and just as I walk by I see Magnus noticing me. He’s looking right at me and all I want to do is disappear. I walk away hoping he didn’t suspect me of eavesdropping. I walk down the hallway that leads to our changing rooms when I feel a hand grab my shoulder. The person spins me around and presses me up against the wall and I see that the person grabbing me is none other than Magnus Bane.

  
“What did you hear?!” He practically screams at me. He’s so close that I can feel his breath on my face, and his eyes looks almost mad. The way he’s looking at me is intimidating to say the least and my throat closes up making it hard for me to breathe.

  
“Answer me!” He says, a little calmer this time.

  
“No.. nothing.” I stutter out, still finding it hard to breathe with his gaze boring into my eyes.

  
“Whatever you heard you can not tell anyone about this, if you do I’ll ruin you” He says, with stern look on his face.

  
“I won’t, I promise I won’t tell”

He’s still holding me firmly in place, his hands got my arms in a grip so tight it’s almost painful. I can see the outline of his biceps through his shirt, he’s got amazing muscles that’s for damn sure. But I guess constantly working out will do that to you. Even with the angry expression on his face he’s still breathtakingly beautiful, he’s wearing green eyeshadow today I notice. It matches his eye colour amazingly, and his skin looks so smooth and in that moment I would want nothing more than to reach out and touch it. It takes a moment to realize that he’s staring right back at me, with a look that has changed from angry to an expression I can’t really place. I feel my heart beating faster and a warm feeling starts spreading all over my body. His touch is starting to get painful now but even so I don’t want him to let go, not sure my legs would hold me up if he did. And just like that he releases me and takes two steps back. He’s still looking at me weirdly.

  
“I’ll trust you just this once, but if I find out you’ve told anyone you can kiss your job goodbye. Are we clear?” I just nod in response, I don’t seem to find it in me to speak right now. He then turns on his heel and walks away and suddenly it feels like I can breathe again. All the air seems to rush into my lungs at once and I put a hand on the wall to support my weight for a moment. As I walk to the changing room my whole body is trembling, what the hell did just happen?!

Work is very uneventful after that, I go about with my normal routine with my headphones plugged in. I like listening to music while working, it’s kind of soothing after a long day to just have music filling my ears instead of people's voices. Once I’ve finished my shift I look around a last time and see that Magnus is stretching, I know I shouldn’t be watching him but I can’t seem to look away. At some point during his sessions his shirt has come off leaving his chest and abs on display. Looking this hot should be illegal. The way his abs moves while he’s stretching his legs. His smoothly shaven chest. Everything about him is just too much to handle. And I can feel my body heating up all over again. Why do I always fall for the straight guys or the guys that are so out of my league it’s pathetic. But I can’t seem to stop. Maybe this is why I’m destined to be alone. If I’m going to save this image in my head for later no one could blame me though. Just as I let my eyes wander over his chest I see that he looks up and spots me again this time though he doesn’t avert his gaze, instead he looks directly at me. I feel my face heat up again, luckily he’s not close enough to see it. I feel embarrassed but I can’t seem to look away so we continue to stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. He gives a small nod before he finally turns the other way and walks out of the gym, giving me a good view of his ass. This I realize is not a good thing. How on earth am I going to stop pining after this guy when he walks around like that? And how will I ever look at someone else when he looks at me like… like what exactly? I’ve never been so confused in my entire life. I shake my head and finish up work, not wanting to linger for too long, I’ve dealt with enough today I don’t need to add more problems into my life. My phone goes of and Jace’s name lights up the screen. Finally a distraction!

  
“Hello”

  
“Hey man! What are you doing?”

  
“I’m working, almost finished though” I say looking out at the gym, Magnus is nowhere in sight.

  
“I kind of need your help with something, can we meet this week? Maybe even tomorrow?”

  
“Yeah sure, I get off uni at 4 want me to pick you up?”

  
“Yeah that’d be great! Listen Izzy’s birthday is coming up soon we should do something epic for her!” He says, and shit I totally forgot about that!

  
“Why don’t you ask Clary or Simon about this? I’m not good at parties and stuff” I say, although doing something to get my mind of Magnus is probably a good idea.

  
“Because we’re her brothers, family you know? We know her better than anyone Alec! Oh and call Max too he probably wants to join!”

  
“Max is like twelve”

  
“No he’s 16, definitely big enough to have some fun with us, come on Alec”

  
“Okay fine I’ll think of something”

  
“And you’ll pick me up tomorrow”

  
“Yeah I will”

  
“Bye Alec”

  
“Bye” I end the call and put my phone back in my pocket.

The gym is empty and silent, which is a relief. I walk out to the changing rooms and get dressed. Finally able to go home and get some needed rest. I’m just about to walk out of the door when I yet again feel someone grabbing my shoulder. I turn around and are again standing right infront of Magnus. What the hell is going on today?

  
“You dropped your keycard” He says holding his hand out.

  
“Thanks” I say reaching for the card but he pulls his hand away.

  
“How long have you been working here?” He asks, still looking at me weirdly.

  
“A bit more than a year, why?”

  
“I never noticed you before” He says looking at me up and down. Well no shit I almost say no one ever notices me unless they walk right over me which he’s kind of already done.

  
“Okay, what am I supposed to do with that information?” I ask.

  
“No need to be salty with me”

  
“I’ll have you know my body is probably 90% salt, I save the other 10% of sweetness to able to keep up with other people's bullshit” He snorts at that, giving me an actual smile for the first time.

  
“I like you, Alexander was it?” He says and I feel my jaw drop, did he actually remember my name?!

  
“I prefer Alec”

  
“I’ll call you Alexander anyway, take it or leave it” He says with a smirk.

And I feel my body heating up all over again, the way he says my name is actually somewhat sexy. I wonder what it would sound like if he said my name while I was kissing him, or even better touching him. I bet he makes the sexiest sounds, I mean there’s nothing about this man that is not sexy. He takes a step forward coming up close but not close enough for or bodies to actually touch. He leans forward and whispers right into my ear.

  
“I’ve seen the way you look at me Alexander” He says and my mind is about to explode. All my senses are on high alert, my body responding to his words and my skin tingles where I can feel his breath. What the hell is going on?!  
“I know you want me” He continues and puts a hand at the nape of my neck.

I look up and meet his eyes, his pupils are dilated and his breathing has also gotten heavier. I then look at his lips, wanting nothing more than to kiss him. I’ve been wanting to kiss him for quite some time now but never did I think it was going to happen. Having him this close though is almost torture, I can feel him coming closer and I close my eyes just as our lips meet. My mind goes completely blank as I feel his lips against mine, my whole body is on fire and I can only think about the sensation going through my body as our lips meet again and again. His lips are soft and wet and his kisses sends tingles down my spine. I feel all my blood rushing south as our kisses grow more heated. It feels like too much and not enough all at once. I have no idea how this even happened. My hands come up to grip his shirt and I can feel him moving his arms around my waist dragging me closer to him.

When I feel a hand going under my shirt and touching my skin my mind suddenly wakes up. Heck, I’ve been dreaming about this moment for so long but not like this. I want to kiss him yes but I also want to get to know him. I don’t want to be someone he just fucks and then throws away later. I break the kiss and pull away, putting some distance between us.  
“I’m sorry I can’t do this” I choke out, not really being able to speak properly.

  
“Why not? We both know you enjoyed it” He says with a smirk on his face.

  
“No, no not like this, I can’t do this” I say. Shaking my head and backing away. We both look at eachother for a short moment before I turn on my heel and walk away.

My heart is hammering in my chest and I don’t dare to look back. I pick up the pace and now I’m almost running out of the gym. I don’t slow down until I’m in front of my car. I sit down in the front seat and finally let myself breathe properly for the first time. I put my face in my hands and sigh deeply. What the hell did I just do? What the hell did he just do? I honestly don’t know what’s going on, why would he do that? Why me? How did he just?

I start my car and drive home not bothering turning the radio on and instead let my mind flow with thoughts. How am I supposed to focus on anything when the only thing I can think about is the feeling of his lips against mine, his arms around my waist, the way he tastes, the way he smells. Once I get home I sneak into my room not wanting to run into any of my roommates. Once I lay in bed I get a tight feeling in my chest and I can feel my eyes stinging from unshed tears. It’s not that I believed that love was something I deserved, but did I really deserve this? I mean it was obvious that he wanted me, but for pleasure only. He doesn’t know me, he doesn’t know anything about me. All the ways I’ve pictured in my head of us getting together this was far from it. I turn around in my bed and close my eyes praying for sleep to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah that just happened, this fic will be kinda of a rollercoaster if you haven't figured that out already. I also don't like writing Magnus as some kind of douche because we all know he's a sweetheart, don't worry though he won't be an ass for too long :)


	5. Chapter 5

I wake up at 6:30 feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck. I barely got any sleep last night, the thought of Magnus lips on mine enough to make my head spin. I still didn’t really understand what happened yesterday. Why had he kissed me all of a sudden? Last week he didn’t even know my name and now he just wanted to have sex with me? I put my head in my hands and try to steady my breathing, I need to get ready for school. How I’m going to concentrate on my studies with my brain being a mess I still don’t know. I step out to the kitchen and start to make coffee.  
“Good morning!” I turn around and see Maia stepping into the kitchen.

  
“Morning” I mumble back.

  
“Didn’t sleep much last night?” She says, eyeing me carefully.

  
“I have a lot on my mind, couldn’t relax enough to fall asleep”

  
“Something bothering you? You know you can talk to me Alec”

  
“Yeah, I just don’t feel like talking right now” I say, not really in the mood to share all my secrets with her.

It’s not that I don’t trust her, she’s a good friend but we’re not that close. The only one I ever really open up to is Jace and that’s only when I’m so close to breaking down that he has to force me to talk.  
“Okay.. well let me know if you change your mind” She says giving me a smile. I smile back the best I can and continue making breakfast. Getting through today is going to be torture. After finishing breakfast and taking a quick shower I head out. Not wanting to linger too long at my apartment.

Like I suspected the day was challenging to say the least, trying to stay awake through a four hour long lecture without having slept at all is not the easiest thing. Knowing I won’t be able to learn anything stresses me out even more, I’m gonna need to work twice as hard to catch up with all I missed out on today. I sigh while downing my eight cup of coffee for the day and stare at my computer screen. So far I’ve only written one sentence on the essay that’s due Monday.

Yup I’m fucked. My phone lights up with a message from Jace. “Don’t forget to pick me up later!” It reads and yeah I kind of almost forgot about that. I instantly panic, Jace will definitely know something is up the moment he looks at me. Even if it wasn’t for the bags under my eyes revealing that I haven’t slept at all he will know something’s up. And I honestly don’t know if I want to tell him everything. On second thought what is it to tell really? It’s not like Magnus and I have something going on really, it’s just that a year worth of pining kind of blew up in my face when he decided that fucking me in the shower was a good idea. Okay maybe I shouldn’t think about Magnus, or Magnus kissing me. The thought of what went down makes my stomach drop in a very unpleasant way. And the question that I still don’t have an answer to is why. Why did he kiss me? Why now? Would I ever get an answer to that?

If I don’t I’ll surely go insane though. I make a mental note to try to talk to Magnus next time I see him. Even if it most likely will be a real disaster at least knowing what the hell is going on might help me sleep, might. I finish my coffee and starts walking to the lecture hall. Last lecture of the day and then I’m finally off, I take a seat in the back and lean on my elbows. If I can’t pay attention I might as well try to get some sleep.

After two long hours I’m finally done, I get home quickly and grab the car keys to drive over to Jace’s. Jace doesn’t live very far away from me but getting there through the traffic takes almost half an hour. When I finally pull up in front of his apartment complex he’s already standing outside waiting for me. He jumps into the car and gives me a pat on the shoulder.

  
“What’s up?” He asks giving me a smile.

  
“Not much, I just have a lot of school work” I say, trying not to look at him for too long.

  
“Well I’m hungry, can we grab some food? I’ve got something to tell you” He says and I nod.

I drive to our go to pizza restaurant, it’s maybe not the best pizza but it’s good enough. And the place is usually quiet which I really like. Jace knows that I’m not a fan of crowded places when he found this place he showed to me right away and since then this is where we usually go. Most of the time we go here just to get some privacy, Jace has been living with Clary for a while now and I share an apartment with 3 other people from university. Alone time isn’t something we get much now days and I appreciate whenever he takes the time to actually hang out with me.

  
“So what’s the big news?” I ask him once we’re seated.

  
“You tell me Alec” He shoots back. “What’s up with you, really. You haven’t been hanging out with me or Izzy for weeks, whenever we invite you over you always have other plans or bullshit excuses. And now you look like you’re going to pass out from not having slept at all. Seriously Alec I know something’s up, tell me.” He says while looking at me sternly.

And It’s not that I don’t want to tell him, I do. It’s just how do I explain how alone I’ve felt over the last couple of years. Since Jace started dating Clary him and I kind of drifted, we’re still close of course but not in the same way we used to be. And then Izzy started dating Simon and I just kind of felt left out. I know they’re both happy and I want them to be. It’s just that I don’t feel like I fit in anymore. Sometimes it feels like they could do better without me, I know deep down that it isn’t true but my anxiety gets the best out of me most days. And the Magnus situation isn’t making it better, at all. I feel my throat tighten and I have to use all my willpower not to break down completely.

  
“Hey, Alec it’s just me whatever it is I’m here for you always” Jace says and places his hand on my shoulder. I look up at him then, concern showing in his eyes.  
“I don’t know where to start” I say.

  
“Why not start with why you’ve been avoiding me, that would be a good place” He says then.

  
“Because I knew this would happen if I met you and I didn’t know if I wanted to talk, but now I kind of feel like I have to.” I say, looking down at my hands. “It’s just been a hard couple of months and yesterday everything just turned even worse and I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel, or do, or think anymore.”

  
“What happened yesterday?”

  
“I kind of kissed someone” I say, still not meeting Jace’s eyes.

  
“Kissing is supposed to be a good thing isn’t it? Did someone force themselves on you or what? If that’s the case I swear to god I’ll rip their heart out”

  
“No, no no no ripping needed Jace.” I say.

  
“Then what happened?”

  
“Well it’s not that I didn’t want to kiss them, it just came out of nowhere really, and I didn’t want it like that. I never thought I would ever have even this but it just felt wrong”

  
“Who is this person even?” He asks then.

  
“Just a guy that trains at the gym I work at” I say, not wanting to tell him too much.

  
“Oh.. okay what’s his deal then?”

  
“I’m not sure, a week ago he didn’t even acknowledge my existence and yesterday he yelled at me for something I overheard”

  
“And then what he just kissed you?”

  
“Not right away, later after I finished my shift he kind of just… yeah”

  
“Well shit”

  
“Yeah I know” I huff out a small laugh.

  
“But you didn’t want him to kiss you?” Jace asks.

  
“Well I did... I do. Just not like that.” I say

  
“Okay, now I’m confused do you like this guy or not?” Jace says with furrowed eyebrows.

  
“I don’t know, I don’t even know him. I just spent like a year watching him you know, he didn’t know who I was. Didn’t even know I worked there until a couple of days ago. And yesterday he just kissed me and I did want to but I don’t want to be someone he just plays with you know? And that’s what it felt like, like he was just trying to get off and then leave” I say, sadness evident in my voice.

  
“Okay good looking guy I assume” Jace says then, giving me a smirk.

  
“You have no idea” I say. “He’s literally perfect, I mean he’s so far out of my league pining over him is pathetic.”

  
“You’re not exactly a bridge troll yourself Alec, seriously all these insecurities isn’t doing you any favours, and that aside you’re smart, caring and kind. Anyone that gets to be with you is incredibly lucky and if this guy doesn’t get that then fuck him”

  
“Fuck him?” I say raising my eyebrows at him.

  
“Well not literally, geez Alec! But yeah you get the picture” I let out a laugh then, telling Jace did make me feel a little bit lighter. “Are you going to come out to mom and dad soon or are you going to stay in the closet forever?” He then asks. I instantly my throat is closing up again.

  
“Forever” I say.

  
“Alec… It might not even be that big of a deal to them and besides wouldn’t it be better to ease them into it now when you’re not in a relationship? I mean if you ever get serious with someone it may not go down well if they don’t know. And then maybe they will lay off with the whole “finding you a wife” shit they’ve got going on.”

  
“You don’t get it Jace, just drop it!”

  
“What am I not getting?”

  
“You don’t get what it’s like! No one has ever judged you for your sexuality, you never have to worry about bringing a partner home or being accepted, you know darn well that mom and dad are not going to approve of this! You don’t have to worry about that at all, you can just move in with your perfect girlfriend and live a perfect life and I can’t. You know I can’t so please just drop it.”

  
“Alec I want you to be happy, you’re not going to be happy if you don’t allow yourself be who you truly are.” He says, I feel his hand on my shoulder again gently squeezing it.

  
“Who I truly am sucks, I wouldn’t want to be with me and no one else probably will. I don’t have to live happily ever after Jace, I get by fine on my own, I promise.” I force a smile that doesn’t quiet reach my eyes.

  
“You can lie to me all you want Alec but please stop lying to yourself, we both know that isn’t true” Jace says and lets out a sigh.

  
“What did you want to tell me Jace?” I ask then, not wanting to talk about myself any longer. He then smiles at me.

  
“I’m going to propose to Clary” He says, and I can just see the pure happiness radiating from him. A part of me feels a little bit jealous, not because I’m hung up on Jace anymore more because I feel like my life will never be like that. Not that Jace has had an easy life before he came into the family, but the way he turned it around, finishing school, finding a job and then a woman that he loves. It all seems to come so easy and natural to him, where I struggle to even have the courage to use a dating app.

  
“Oh, already?” I say, giving him a smile.

  
“Oh shush, We’ve been together for more than two years now and besides I know I want to be with her for the rest of my life” He says.  
“Well you don’t need my permission to marry her”

  
“No but I want your approval, and I also want you to be my bestman when we get married”

  
“Of course I’ll be your best man, someone need to make sure you don’t mess everything up” I joke and he laughs at that.

  
“I’m happy for you Jace” I say and I truly mean it, seeing my siblings happy is something I really want, they both deserve everything and more. But a voice inside my head tells me that I’ll be even more lonely now, that they’ll both settle down and eventually start families. And I don’t see where I am supposed to fit into all of that, maybe they’ll forget about me all together.

  
“Well I haven’t even asked her yet, she might turn me down” Jace says, shrugging.

  
“Not a chance Jace, Clary loves you just as much as you love her. And you’re the best person I know, there’s no way she would ever turn you down. She’d be stupid not to say yes.”

  
“Well I guess, but if everything goes to hell and she turns me down you’re the one I want to call you know that right? I haven’t even told Izzy about my plans yet” He says. I give him a smile. It’s kind of nice knowing that despite everything I’m still that person to Jace, I’m still his best friend and that will never change. I just have to accept that he is growing up, he doesn’t need me that much anymore. I feel another wave of anxiety hit me but I push it down I’ve had enough of it for one day.

  
“When are you going to do it? I mean you have to plan it, make it special”

  
“Next week, and I kind of need you to make sure that Izzy is occupied during that day so she doesn’t ruin anything. She can never keep her mouth shut”

  
“Sure thing”

After another hour or two just talking I drive Jace home before I head back myself. Some of the anxiety has gone away at least and I feel exhausted. I go to bed and force myself not to think about the fact that I have to work tomorrow and probably will run into Magnus at some point. Luckily my exhaustion takes over and within minutes I am dead asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Today is Friday and I have actually a pretty calm day ahead of me, I don’t have any lectures so today I can just stay in an study before going to work. I also am going out tonight. A had a weak moment last night and both Maia and Jem practically begged me to come with them tonight. So later today I’m apparently going out. Jem also lives in our apartment along with his best friend Will. They do technically have separate rooms but they’re pretty much together all the time so one of the rooms is usually empty. They also don’t spend much time at home, they’re always out doing god knows what. Not that I mind, I kind of like the peace and quiet. I’m just about to sit down and catch up on my studies when my phone goes off. Izzy.

“Hi sis” I say. “ALEC OH MY GOD YOU FINALLY TOLD JACE!”

For a moment I’m confused, told him what exactly? I don’t remember ever telling Izzy about Magnus, or anything lately.

“Told him what?”

“That you’re gay, duh” And shit yeah I did that, when I think about it when Jace and I talked that was the first time I ever told him about my love life, or lack thereof. I’ve never really told him anything before. I didn’t tell him about my first kiss because I was so drunk I barely remembered it. I didn’t tell him about my first hook-up because I was ashamed of it. I never told him that I was in love with him for well over 5 years. I always kept quiet, but with all the distress lately I guess me being gay wasn’t the worst thing. I was so wrapped up in my own anxiety I didn’t even realize that I actually came out to him. Then again when I think back to the conversation now it seemed like Jace already knew.

“He knew already didn’t he?” I ask.

“Of course he did, he just doesn’t want to pressure you to talk about things that makes you uncomfortable.”

And yeah that’s totally Jace. Probably the main reason why Jace has always been my best friend. He never pressures me, always waits until I’m ready to talk. His patience with me is truly astonishing.

Izzy and I talk for almost half an hour and once we’re done I pick up my books and start reading again. Hopefully I’ll get something done before I have to go to work.

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When I step inside the gym it’s awfully quiet, usually this place is full on fridays. Most people wanting to get their practise in before the weekend. Today however it’s a special training session just for the elite team which Magnus happens to be a part of. Great.

The men’s team is really good this year which is promising for the olympics next year. So’s the women's team, not that I know that much about gymnastics but I’ve picked up some things over the years I’ve been working here. Most of the time I’m just staring at Magnus though, but who could blame me really. After doing some prep work I decide that going into the gym and watch them practising is a good idea. Not like there’s that much to do when the place is almost empty.

The first person I see is an guy slightly older than the rest, Ragnor I think his name is, the official coach. Ragnor himself was an elite gymnast before and retired only five years ago. Since then he’s been coaching the elite team and also scouts for young talent. Then there’s another guy, Sebastian I think his name is, also a pretty good gymnast but nowhere near as good as Magnus. Then of course I spot the man himself, looking beautiful as ever.

I find it hard to tear my eyes away. I think back at our incident earlier and wonder if he thinks about it as much as I do? Probably not. But I still want to talk to him, get an explanation at least. This whole thing is driving me insane.

A loud laughter snaps me out of my thoughts and I see Camille walking in. I guess she’s beautiful in a way, when she’s so far away she can’t possibly hurt you that is. She’s walking in with two other girls. I recognize one of them as Catarina, she’s actually nice. Always greets me when we bump into each other. The other girl I think is named Dot, or something among those lines. Also a pretty girl, always very reserved, likes to keep to herself most of the time. Something I strongly relate to.

Camille instantly walks up to Magnus to throw her arms around him. Which is also confusing, are they a thing? And if so why did he kiss me? I see him smile at her then but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Lightwood! I need you to carry some of the equipment from the basement!” I turn around and see Raphael standing behind me.

“On it!” I say rushing out of the gym, better stay as far away from Magnus as possible so I don’t get too distracted.

Turns out it’s a whole storage room down in the basement that’s getting emptied. Raphael and I work in silence for almost 2 hours. I feel exhausted once we’re finished.

“You’re a good kid, Lightwood” Raphael say and gives me a tiny smile before he goes back to his office.

I just stand there in shock, Raphael knows how to smile? I look down at my watch, only half an hour until my shift is finished. Then I need to get home and get ready, I regret promising to go out with my friends already. But there’s no backing out now.

I decide I’m just going to a final check on the equipment before going home so I head towards on of the storage rooms down the hall. Suddenly I see something in the corner of my eye and I turn slightly. The sight infront of me makes my stomach twist in an almost painful way. I see Magnus passionately making out with Camille. They’re both so into it they don’t realize that I’m standing close enough to hear the sounds of their lips clashing together.

It feels like my heart is going to break into a thousand pieces. Now I know for sure that the kiss with Magnus meant nothing. He was just going to fuck me and then throw me away. But I mean why would I expect anything else? It’s not like anyone has ever been interested in me for more than my body.

Really all the other hook-ups I’ve had has been with people that never wanted to be more than just a hook-up. None of them ever showed an interest in getting to know me, no one has ever asked me out on a date. Why would Magnus be any different? It doesn’t make it hurt any less though and all I want to do is cry. I won’t though, I won’t cry. I quickly leave before they notice me, not wanting to linger any longer.

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Once I get home my whole body feels numb. On second thought maybe going out and drinking all my sorrows away may not be such a bad idea. I scan through my wardrobe to find something appropriate to wear, I don’t really own any fancy clothes. Most of the time I’m wearing all black, jeans, hoodie and jacket. Clothes with bright colours have never been my thing. I find a dark blue shirt tucked in at the back of my closet.

I think Izzy bought it for me a year ago. I decide to just wear that with a pair of black jeans. It’s not too dressed up but not too casual either, perfect. I take a quick shower before changing clothes and I feel somewhat ready to actually go out in public. Once I’m finished my roommates are already waiting for me in the living room.

“Finally!” Maia practically screams and throws her arms around me.

I can smell alcohol on her breath, seems like I’ve got some catching up to do.

“We should take a couple of shots before we leave” Jem then says, he’s dressed nicely in a dark green button down. His hair is also nicely styled.

“Sure thing” I say, not wanting to stay sober any longer. We all start drinking then and we don’t leave the apartment for another hour or so.

When we finally make it to the club I’m already drunk, I can feel my eyes blur slightly and I also don’t really know how to walk properly. I don’t mind though, the alcohol taking the edge of all my feelings. The club is filled with so many people but at the moment I surprisingly don’t mind.

I see Jem and Will heading to the bar to get more drinks, Maia disappeared somewhere and I’m left standing alone awkwardly. I decide to go towards the bar, I sure as hell am not drunk enough jet. After finding Jem and Will we drink even more. My pleasant buzz turning into me being shitfaced drunk.

It feels like the whole club is spinning around and I also feel a bit dizzy. Numbed out in the best kind of way. Maia tries to get me to dance but even in my very drunk state I promptly refuse, I don’t dance. I spend some more time at the bar, laughing with my friends. After a while they all get up to dance. I stay behind not trusting my legs to carry me. “Hi there” Someone says and I feel a hand touch my shoulder. I look up and see a girl standing in front of me.

“This seat taken?” She asks and I shake my head. The girl is beautiful, just because I’m gay it doesn’t mean that I’m blind. She has blonde hair that’s been curled and styled in a way that frames her face beautifully, she’s also wearing a tight dress. Almost too tight, it kind of looks like her boobs are going to pop out any second. I’d rather not see that though. Boobs aren’t really my thing.

“So why are you sitting here all alone?” She asks.

“Not much of a dancer” I respond.

“Shame, I bet that body would look good on the dancefloor” I look down then, not really used to people flirting with me.

“Sure you don’t wanna join me?” She says and gives me a smile.

“Positive” I say while taking another sip of my drink.

“You know if you don’t feel like dancing there are other things we could do” She says and leans over so her breath is tickling my neck. I’m starting to feel very uncomfortable, I’m sure any straight guy would love to sleep with her but since I’m in fact not straight this whole thing is just getting on my nerves.

I don’t mind being friends with women and talking to them but I’d rather not have them trying to push their breasts in my face.

“No thanks not interested” I say, putting some distance between us.

“Oh, come on don’t be shy. I’ll be gentle with you” She says leaning close again and this time I can feel her lips on my cheek.

“No, stop!” I almost scream at her while pushing her away.

“I’m sorry you’re really pretty and all but I don’t want…. I’m not …” I try to explain but I can’t seem to form any sentences at the moment.

“Oh” She then says, realization written all over her face.

“I’m sorry, truly” She then says, “But you should maybe tell your friends that you’re gay” She continues and my eyes widen.

“I’m sorry what?!”

“Well your friends with those guys right?” She says while pointing towards Jem and Will, I see that they’re looking at us. Will giving me a thumbs up and a smile from afar.

“Did they talk you into this?!” I ask, I can’t believe it.

“Well they kind of offered to pay me to flirt with you, I didn’t take any money though I would’ve done it for free you’re really good looking. But I do love a challenge, however picking up a gay dude isn’t something I’m willing to try though.”

I’m almost fuming, why the hell would they try to set me up with anyone?! When have I ever expressed any interest in that. But then it hit me, they most likely pity me. Thinking that I couldn’t possibly get some on my own. Probably feeling sorry for me because I’m alone most of the time. I feel like I can’t breathe, I need to get out of here.

“I’m sorry, I need to go” I tell the girl before rushing out of the club.

Once outside I empty my stomach on the street, I don’t know how long I stay there. Crouched over and throwing up. I Sit down for a moment and bury my face in my hands, I feel tears running down my cheeks. When did I start crying?

I don’t know why I turned out like this. Why I’m so pathetic even my roommates take pity on me. I honestly just want to curl up and die.

Instead I make my way home, stumbling all the way. I’m still to drunk to walk properly. Once I get home I instantly crawl onto my bed, not bothering getting undressed. I can still feel the tears on my cheeks, now drying slightly. I feel my whole head spinning until I finally pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah that happened! Poor Alec :(. However it can only go up from here! (:


	7. Chapter 7

The days following last week disaster has been somewhat of a blur, both Will and Jem apologized a hundred times already but I don’t really care. I can tell that they’re actually sorry but right now I don’t really want to talk to them so I just stay clear. Maia promised that she had nothing to do with it and that she would’ve stopped them if she knew and I do believe her. I know she would never do something like that to me. But I still avoid her too, I don’t really want to deal with people at all. Jace has been calling me non-stop for almost three days but I haven’t even picked up the phone once. Is it so hard for people to just leave me alone? 

Instead of interacting with people I busy myself with schoolwork, if anything this whole situation is going to give me top grades in all my subjects. I’ve always been a hard worker, graduating from high school with excellent grades.

But then again I never really had a social life. That was more a Jace and Izzy kind of thing. Sometimes I would drive them to parties and just try to blend so that no one noticed me. Most of the times I would stay home reading though.

Izzy was always mad about the fact that I was the golden boy in our parents eyes. Always getting top grades, always staying out of trouble.

But then again if they knew the truth about me all of my achievements wouldn’t matter anymore. They made that clear with how they treated my uncle when he came out 5 years ago. From having known him for almost my entire life all of a sudden he was gone. My parents pretends like he doesn’t even exist. And knowing that I will most likely get the same treatment hurts. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, the real me will never be good enough for them. 

This is the reason I sometimes envy Jace and Izzy, not because their lives have been easier than mine. But because they can at least come home and share their burdens with someone they love. And they won’t get cut out of or family because of that. They may have gotten into all kinds of trouble growing up but in time all has been forgiven. 

A tiny part of me hopes that they will accept me. That I won’t suffer the same treatment as my uncle. But I learned a long time ago that hope is foolish and reality is going to catch up with you sooner or later. 

All the nights I spent crying in my room, wishing I was someone else. Wishing I wasn’t gay and could fall in love with a woman. Have kids and make my parents proud. I remember crying because I knew Jace would never love me back the way I wanted him to. I remember being devastated when I realised that me being gay wasn’t a phase and that it wasn’t going away. I remember how lonely I felt, and really it’s not that much different now. 

Maybe this is what I deserve. Maybe life was never supposed to be that great. 

The most frustrating thing is I can’t seem to be able to feel anything. For the last couple of days I’ve been walking around like a hollow shell. It’s like someone put my emotions on a lock down and buried them deep enough so that no one could ever find them. Not even myself. 

Maybe it’s for the best though, at least I won’t get too distracted by feelings. 

The only thing that I can’t seem to get off my mind is the thought of Magnus. Sure he isn’t really someone I know but I do know for a fact that he is attracted to me. Why he is goes beyond my understanding but there’s no denying it. At this point I’d do about anything to get the chance to kiss him again, maybe even do more. God knows I haven’t gotten any action in a very long time. 

I mean I know he seems to have a thing with Camille but if it was truly serious he wouldn’t have kissed me. Either it’s casual on both ends or Magnus doesn’t have his heart in it. 

The one good thing I got out of my roommates being assholes is that I realized that nothing is ever going to happen if I just keep to myself. And right now I want something or rather someone to distract me. Magnus might not be my one true love or anything but how will I ever know anything for sure unless I at least talk to him? And it’s not like I’m looking for love now exactly, I want to get laid and hopefully he will be up for it. 

Whatever I do I don’t think my life could get that much worse right now, might as well try to get rid of some of the tension. 

This week I won’t see that much of Magnus though since both he and the team is going to some big competition in Canada this weekend. Usually they don’t train too much before a competition, not wanting to exert themselves too much and also because you don’t want to get injured right before a competition. It’s mostly just easier sessions to maintain flexibility and such. 

However next year is the olympics and it’s important for everyone on the team to do well this year. However the only one that has a likely chance at a medal is Magnus. The other guys are great too but Magnus outshines all of them. His technique combined with his way to capture an audience makes him our best hope for sure. Unfortunately so is Camille, bitch or not the girl really knows what she’s doing. 

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When tuesday rolls around I find myself at work yet again. I’ve still been avoiding everyone. I don’t want anyone talk me out of what I’m about to do. Deep down I know this is stupid, it will only end badly. But I don’t care anymore. If this is as good life is going to get then screw it. Screw all of this. 

I feel like work is my favorite place at the moment. No stupid roommates here and Simon is not present either. It feels like I’m cornered in every other aspect of my life. Maybe I should take up archery again? But until then I might as well work as much as possible. It’s not like I’m loaded with money anyway. 

It doesn’t take long before I notice Magnus. He looks stunning like usual but this time when his eyes catches mine I don’t look away. I hold my gaze fixed on him and I feel my heart pounding in my chest. He raises an eyebrow at me but I keep my expression blank. I’m pretty sure the message comes through. 

“Lightwood!” I hear Raphael scream somewhere behind me. I turn around and walk towards him. 

“Are you going to stand there all day? get some work done.” He says and I simply nod. I’ll try and catch Magnus when my shift is done. 

The hours I spend working feels like an eternity, and the closer I get to much shift ending the more anxious I feel. This is the worst idea I’ve ever had. But if I back down now I know I’ll regret it later. 

I’ve been playing it safe my whole life and where did it get me? I need to do something that’s out there, I need to feel his body against me again if just for this one time. I need to feel like I’m alive. Just this once. 

Once my shift is finished I can’t find Magnus anywhere in the gym, I decide to try the changing rooms. When I walk in I see him drying himself off after showering. I can see the way his muscles move under his touch and I get a sudden urge to trace his biceps with my tongue. 

I walk up towards him without even thinking, he snaps his head up obviously startled by my sudden approach. 

“Alexander” He breathes out just before I take a final step forward and smashes our lips together. He lets out a surprised grunt but kisses me back nonetheless. And hell if this isn’t what I’ve been dying to do all year I don’t know. 

“I must say I never thought you’d be brave enough to come back for seconds” He says once we break apart. He has a smug grin on his face and I just want to kiss it off his face. 

“I didn’t exactly come here to talk” I say and then we’re kissing again. He’s still practically naked apart from the towel around his hips. I run my hands down his back and grabs his ass, squeezing with just a little bit of pressure. He lets out a loud moan and I catch it all in my mouth. Kissing him like there’s no tomorrow. 

His hands are in my hair pulling with a force that’s almost painful. But I don’t want him to stop. I don’t want this to ever stop. Our kisses gets more and more heated by the second and our heavy breathing and our lips meeting is the only sound to be heard. 

I press him up against one of the lockers holding on to the small of his back with one hand, the other hand moving over his chest. When I run my fingers over a hard nipple he actually cries out, eyes flying open. And if this isn’t the most beautiful thing I’ve seen I don’t know what is. 

He pulls away quickly, putting some distance between us. 

“We can’t do this here” He says still breathing heavily. 

“What do you suggest then?” I ask. 

“Just.. lemme get dressed and we’ll go to my place. If you still want this of course. I don’t want to pressure you into something you don’t want. I want you to understand that” He says, honesty evident in his voice. 

“Don’t worry, I want this”

“You sure?”

“Positive” I say. He flashes me a smile and turns to quickly get dressed. Once his towel drops I get a perfect view of his ass and if I wasn’t already rock hard this would for sure make that happen. 

“Like what you see?” He says with a wink. I just blush, not responding to that one. 

After he’s finished getting dressed we rush to his car. We don’t speak on the way to his place, the silence makes the air feel heavy and my head starts spinning. Deep down there’s a voice telling me to not do this, I will only get hurt if I do. But I can’t bring myself to listen to it. I’m way past the point of giving a fuck now. 

Once we make it to his apartment we instantly start kissing again. Quickly undressing each other while we’re moving towards the bedroom. Clothes are scattered all over the place. And I’ve never felt more alive than I do right now. Feeling Magnus against me, being able to run my hands over his shoulders and breathing in his scent. I almost feel drunk, never have I ever been this turned on before. I feel like I’m going to burst any second. 

When we reach his bed he pushes me down and crawls on top of me. 

“I’m going to ask one more time, are you sure about this Alexander?” Magnus says while looking me in the eyes. There is a softness in the way he’s looking at me that makes my skin tingle. 

“Yes” I say without missing a beat.

“I don’t want you to do this for the wrong reasons, I don’t do relationships. Don’t expect anything other than sex from my end” He continues to say. And to that I just shake my head. 

“If I was looking for love I wouldn’t have jumped you in the changing room I would’ve asked you out first. Stop worrying okay?” I Say while tilting my head up to give him a soft kiss.

“I want this” 

He gives me a nod and leans down to kiss me deeply. I let his tongue explore my mouth for a while before he starts tracing his lips down my neck. I let out a deep moan when he reaches a especially sensitive spot on my neck, arching my back to meet his touch. 

I could do this for the rest of my life. Just having Magnus naked in top of me exploring my body with his tongue. When his lips reaches my nipples I know I’m done for, my whole body is lit on fire. I can’t think of anything that has ever compared to this. 

However at this rate I won’t last very long. I somehow manage to flip us over without too much difficulty and find myself being on top of Magnus instead. I instantly want to taste all of him. Breathe in his scent so I do just that. His skin tastes clean apart from the saltiness of his sweat. I can hear him sucking in short breaths of air whenever I’m running my tongue over his chest and then up to his neck. 

However my attempts at kissing his neck is cut short when he flips us over again. 

“As much as I am enjoying what you’re doing to me Alexander I need to be inside you soon or this will end way to quickly, can’t have that happening now can we?” He says, and at this point I will give him anything he wants. 

 

“What are you waiting for then?” 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

About an hour later where we managed to fit in a second round I’m lying on my back completely spent. All the tension I previously had in my body gone and I feel content for the first time in weeks. 

“That was amazing” I hear Magnus breathe out. 

“Yeah” 

“If I didn’t need to get up so early tomorrow I would’ve begged for another round, but as you may understand that’s not a good idea” He continues to say, a smile playing on his lips. 

Realisation strikes me then, here I am lying in bed with the guy I’ve been wanting to have for over a year. What am I even doing? Why did I even do this?

I look over to where Magnus is sprawled out on the bed. He looks beautiful with his hair all messed up, make up ruined a long time ago. Who am I kidding? He always looks beautiful. 

He opens his eyes and looks at me then. His expression is unreadable but I do believe that he knows exactly what I’m thinking. It seems like he always seems to know, which is creepy in a way. But quite impressive nonetheless. I mean I wouldn’t even be here in the first place if it wasn’t for him kissing me last week. 

“You know I didn’t think you’d be back so soon, I thought I would have to wait at least one more week.” He says. 

“How were you so sure I’d be back?” I ask. Seriously interested what he based that conclusion on. 

“Please Alexander, I’m many things but I’m not a fool. I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at me. It was only a matter of time. Besides closet cases can only take so much before they break. I just didn’t expect you to be so easy. You don’t seem like the type.” 

“Oh what kind of person am I then? Since you seem to know me so well” I say sarcastically. Rolling my eyes at him. 

“No need to be rude, You just seemed very uptight. I’m surprised you haven’t freaked out yet”  
“Yeah well, things change I guess” I say. It’s true a lot of things have changed, the people in my life have changed gradually over the years but I’ve been standing still. Maybe that’s the problem, I just haven’t catched up yet. However this situation may not be the best way to do so. 

“What changed?”

“That’s none of your business” I snap, not really wanting to tell him about last week's fiasco. 

“That bad? Well I won’t force you to talk if you don’t want to. Your personal life is not something that concerns me after all. But I would recommend you to get your shit together.”

“You know nothing about me, stop acting like you do. I didn’t come here to get psychoanalyzed. I came here to get laid.” 

“Now that you’ve gotten that what’s the plan? Can I count on this happening again? I’m not opposed to that” 

“I guess, I could to with some of this from time to time” I gesture towards his body and give him a wink. He laughs then. 

“Well I still meant what I said before, relationships isn’t my thing” 

“Aren’t you and Camille involved?” I say, I know it’s not really my business but I’m curious nonetheless. Like is he going to fuck both of us simultaneously? I don’t know if I’m up for that. 

“It’s complicated, we were before not so much anymore. Sometimes I miss her though and I give in to her. Even when I know I shouldn’t. 

But it is sometimes easier to be with someone who gets it you know? She knows how much effort I have to put in, all the training hours, because this is my passion you know? I would be nothing if I wasn’t a gymnast. And she is passionate about her own career as well.

That’s why we didn’t work out, she’s always so absorbed by her own wants and needs so she fails to see the needs of others. It’s kind of sad when you think about it, when she’s done with this she won’t have anything if she keeps burning people at the rate she keeps up. 

We all have an expiration date and when that day comes you need to have a plan. “ He’s looking directly at me when he speaks. I can tell he’s being honest at least. 

“So what are you doing with me then?” I ask. 

“Enjoying my time with a beautiful man Alexander, and I don’t think I’m wrong to assume you’re enjoying yourself too?” He smirks at me. 

“Well this talk got me bored, I prefer it when we’re not talking” I say while turning my body so I can reach him. Softly dragging my fingertips over his biceps. 

“Not talking actually sounds great” He breathes out before he comes closer to me and smash our lips together again. When we break apart we’re both breathing heavily. 

“I know I may come of as a player Alexander but I promise you that it’s not the case, it’s just that with my job relationships doesn’t come easy and most people wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’ve had enough people come and go already” 

“What makes you think I’m one of those people?” I don’t really understand how anyone could just leave someone because of that? But then again it may be difficult for some people to handle not having their partner's attention every second of the day. 

“Most people are, trust me many people think that they can handle it initially but sooner or later they all leave. I also have a history of running away from things, can’t get too distracted if you want to achieve things in life.” 

“Good thing we’re not in a relationship then” I say, not wanting to waste too much time with this conversation. 

“Good thing indeed” Magnus says. Giving me a small smile. He looks even more beautiful like this. With his hair all messed up, makeup smudged around his eyes and completely naked under the covers. I could spend all day just looking at him like this. 

“So what are we then?” I ask, not quite sure how to define this thing we have going on.

“Well at the moment I’d say we’re two people that enjoys having sex with eachother, but I’d like it if we could at some point at least be friends. Don’t have too many of those, It’d be nice to have a friend.” Magnus responds. 

And well, I guess friends is a good place to start. 

“Friends that have sex or is this a one time thing?” 

“Definitely not a one time thing, friends can have sex can’t they?” 

“They can, I guess.” 

Suddenly the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach is back, I mean yes we can be friends. But throwing sex into the mix maybe isn’t the best idea. However I’ve already made this stupid decision. And also what’s to say that Magnus isn’t going to turn into a complete asshole again? He could just leave at any second and throw me away. And how long are we going to be just friends until I start developing real feelings for him. Not that I’ve actually been in love before. Thinking about it Jace is probably the only one I’ve ever had feelings for, but those feelings were never that deep. It was more of a crush than anything. 

But then again I’ve always thought that love was something that happened to everybody else but me. Maybe Magnus can serve as a good distraction until the right person actually comes along? I mean I don’t need to be celibate because I’m not in a relationship. I can totally have sex with Magnus without developing any feelings for him and still keep the door open for someone else. Totally. 

“I should probably leave” I say, no way I’m staying the night. 

“Yeah that’s probably for the best, see you around though?” Magnus says, still smiling at me. 

“Yeah see you” I say while scrambling for my clothes. Finding all my clothes wasn’t the easiest thing since we’ve basically thrown our clothes all over the place. But soon enough I was on my way back home. 

For some strange reason I feel more at peace with myself now than ever before. Maybe I don’t have to always play it safe. Maybe taking a risk once in awhile is actually good thing. 

I still feel as if it’s not enough though, but the emptiness I felt before isn’t as present now. At least I can feel something even though I can’t really pin down exactly what I’m feeling at the moment. 

I fall asleep with a smile on my face, maybe this year will turn out ok. At least it won’t be as boring as it used to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh well, sorry for the late update but school takes up all my time :/ I have a few chapters planned out though, hopefully it'll be worth the wait. (:

**Author's Note:**

> My very first malec AU, not beta'd all mistakes are mine, be nice :)


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